It happens to all of us. Whatever illnesses we face, there comes a moment in which you ask ‘Why Me?’ Whether you believe in God/Gods/a higher power or not, it is a question that comes up for pretty much everyone with chronic conditions.
Getting down to it; I’m having a ‘Why Me?’ moment today. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately (read: normal mood, normal appetite, and normal sleep). Since my last crisis in December and the big medication shake-up things have been running pretty smoothly. I’ve felt… normal. First time in three years I’ve not had to battle hallucinations, delusions, rage, hopelessness, frustration – I’ve not been fighting to live a normal life. It’s been a wonderful respite and it has been gratefully received (thank you olanzapine).
Was I foolish to hope it would last? Was it naïve of me to think we’d finally cracked it? I’m starting to think the answer is ‘yes’. It’s one of those things that starts gradually – with a little experience I’ve started to have more insight and more awareness of when things aren’t on such an even keel – but it quickly gets to be a problem if I don’t make my support networks aware of the issues.
Having said that – it’s been a week tomorrow that I’ve noticed these subtle differences in my mood and today is the first day I’ve told anyone. Bad move I guess. The anxiety is ramping up every day too. I’m simultaneously tired and hyper (not sure how that one works). I am finding my patience thinning out and my internal anger building up. The temptation to engage myself in retail therapy is there. Red flags the whole way down.
It’s a Why Me moment. The cycle propagates endlessly and I can’t seem to beat it. I can find respite for a few months at a time but then I feel like I regress back to square one.
Counting my blessings helps. I have a lovely, supportive husband who will do whatever he can for me. I have a great psychiatric nurse/care coordinator who genuinely cares and listens. I’m still in work and seem to be finding success in the office. I have greater insight these days and can spot the episodes rising. And, thank heavens, I’m not hallucinating or delusional or paranoid.
This rollercoaster keeps throwing up loop-the-loops. Stop the ride, I want to get off.