My mind is in shut-down mode now, so I’m not promising any lengthy text. Everything is very overwhelming and too much stimulation so my brain has given up trying to make sense of anything. I just wanted to take the opportunity to talk a little about what a manic high looks like for me.
Hypomania is a wonderful thing most of the time. I get creative, energetic and become very sociable. When that tips over into true mania, I start to hate the whole mental illness package. The benefits of a hypomanic mood are far overshadowed by the meltdowns that come with severe extremes of mood. Let’s take yesterday as an example.
I felt a headache/migraine coming on, so I came home planning to lay down in the dark and hopefully stop it before it got too bad. Of course, my mind wasn’t having any of it; as I made my way back to the flat I could feel it ramping up to a new, dizzying height. In reality, I should have taken a diazepam before it got out of control, but once again I thought I could fight it with sheer willpower.
From around 2:30 I’d been drowning my head with cheap wine; around 3:30 I decided I’d had enough of fighting my brain and took a zopiclone hoping to go to sleep. I will admit to not recalling much of the evening past around 3:30; my hubby tells me he came home to find me sitting on the bed and laughing hysterically. Retrograde amnesia is a side effect of zopiclone, and it is a scary one.
I wish I’d had the presence of mind to just call someone from the EIiP team when I felt the mood switch up into sixth gear, but I couldn’t think straight. All I wanted was to feel better, calmer, and I wanted the quick-fix version (cause seriously, what can my psychiatrist do over the phone?)
I’ve called in sick to work today; I let my colleague know that I’m in a high level mood and rather agitated. On the one hand, I’m glad I did because it means I’m not dealing with voices and irritability and rage and frustration at work. On the other hand; being at home in this mood really isn’t any fun. I don’t really know what the solution is, and that annoys me. I wish there was a quick-fix sure fire way to change it all.