I’m pleased to be able to report that as of 12:30 today I’m back in the saddle; catching up on nearly a week’s absence has kept me busy enough that I’ve not really had time to think about Tweeting or Pressing until now. My CPN was very encouraging that I should come back and get some routine in my schedule. Part of the issue of the last few days has been being caught between not-coping-with-work and not-coping-alone-at-home.
This morning’s appointment threw a curve-ball at me. We chatted a bit about what’s been going on and ways to mitigate dangerous situations and then she said the team thinks I have a personality disorder going on in the soup I like to call my mind. They are referring me to a specialist team, who will do an assessment, and then from there I am likely to be offered talk-therapy; this is fab news really, but the idea of having another label kind of freaks me out too. I know it shouldn’t, but whoever decided to call them personality disorders needs a good spanking – your personality is a key part of your identity and saying there’s something wrong with it is a bit like being nut-punched in the mind.
Of course, being me, I’ve now been reading up on the various types of personality disorder (there are ten of them). I have known people with Borderline Personality Disorder and know how difficult a condition it is to live with for them, but I have never really identified with this disorder.
Here’s a super-brief rundown of the ten types:
- Paranoid PD: irrational suspicion and mistrust of people
- Schizoid PD: social detachment, apathy
- Schizotypal PD: social interactions are uncomfortable, unusual or eccentric beliefs.
- Antisocial PD: lack of empathy, grandiosity and manipulative behaviour
- Borderline PD: unstable relationships and self-harm is common
- Histrionic PD: attention-seeking behaviour, excessive emotions
- Narcissistic PD: grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy.
- Avoidant PD: social inhibition and sensitivity to criticism
- Dependent PD: psychological need to be cared for
- Obsessive-compulsive PD: sticks to rules, perfectionism and control.
I am feeling a lot of anxiety towards Histrionic Personality Disorder; I know this is because I’ve been accused of attention-seeking in the past and I think I would feel like a fraud in every aspect of my life. It almost feels like that diagnosis would invalidate the last three years of ups and downs, and that makes me nervous.
All I can do is wait for the referral and see what comes of it. I am keen to access talk-therapy again as this was helpful the last time I did a course with a psychologist.