No one likes criticism, but most people deal with it. I’m very proud to report that I am well practiced at not rising to it; I’m less happy with the fall-out after. Today has been a day of bollockings and I’m not at all happy about it. Less happy about a colleague commenting ‘well I can understand why he was shouting at you,’ after I got off a ten minute ear-bashing over the phone.
My job is a balancing act. I have targets and deadlines to meet, and I work hard to meet them. And not only do I meet them, I beat them every month. My problem is that me meeting deadlines and targets is achieved by causing financial implications to other businesses that can’t very well afford the impact. This makes me feel like a bad person.
I’m fed up of selling my soul to the daily grind. I want to do something that matters; I want to impact this world in a positive way. I’m a small, temping fish in a very big corporate pond. Worst of all is the fact this impacts my mental wellbeing in a big way.
Back to that criticism thing. I am so proud of how I handled the phone call; remained calm and level-headed throughout. ‘Yes I understand,’ and ‘Of course I can see your point.’ On the inside, though, my blood was boiling. And it still is; you’d just never guess it to look at me or talk to me. Sure, I thought about walking out. I’ve thought about doing that a lot; pleased to say common sense has always prevailed and I’ve stuck it out.
I am excited for the referral that my CPN is making to a team that can offer CBT and DBT. I can’t wait to learn skills that will help me deal with emotionally charged situations in a healthy way. For now, I’ll bite my tongue.