Whilst I am fully behind being open and honest about mental health and fighting stigma, some days I wish I’d never told anyone about my mental illness.
Today I am somewhere on the high end of hypo and with my husband’s help have realised there’s a touch of delusional thinking creeping in. Which is fine; honestly. It just means I can’t wait for 4:30 to roll on up so I can stretch my legs and get home to some soothing silence. What I’m really struggling with today is this acute awareness of my every activity. I’m even projecting it onto my manager and colleagues.
I can’t go for a smoke; they’ll think I’m skiving (but I really need a smoke cause I’m not calm enough).
I touched my face a few times; my boss will notice I’m restless.
Crap – did I really have to shift my weight in my seat again?
They’ll see in my eyes just how wired I am feeling.
I need to get out of here. But I can’t risk taking sick leave.
It feels awful to be chained to a desk on a day like today. Time is dragging, and the fact my boss is sat right next to me is pushing my anxiety over the edge. It’s one of those situations where every time he glances my way I feel like he’s looking right into my mind and seeing all my 100mph thoughts. And yes; this is probably a touch paranoid. It helps that I realise this! I can rationalise; I’ve gotten very good at rationalising, and I can always use my hubby as a sounding board if I’m not sure.
The thing about having spent time in the alternate reality that is psychosis is that you lose trust in your intuition. Ever since you were a kid you had this thing called a gut-feeling that steered you right in life. With psychosis, your instinct is corrupted. When I was unwell, I believed that my neighbours were aliens; my gut told me they were dangerous. Since I’ve been stable / more stable, I’ve gained a relatively decent amount of insight into spotting the red flags – I have become more of a thinker than a feeler.
Thankfully greater insight affords greater protection when things aren’t running smoothly. I know that today I need to survive till I walk through the door, and then I need a stress-free evening (dear Luke will take over cooking duties tonight). I need an early bed time too. The only task I am giving myself is to have a little chat with Eve when I’m safely in the flat; she’s been a little more active in my mind than usual today so I will give her a chance to express herself.