Last minute cancellations really mess with me. It’s understandable; these things happen and today’s cancellation is beyond her control, so intellectually I don’t mind too much. She’s gone off sick and the office isn’t sure when she’ll be back. My CPN is awesome and I hope she’s feeling better soon; that’s the most important thing.
I’ve been a little nervous about today’s appointment. We were supposed to be getting the referral forms sorted for signposting me to the personality disorders team. I’m anxious about the referral because the whole PD thing is a new ball game for me. Wondering what they’ll say, but happy to have the potential access to talk-therapy in the not-too-distant future.
The forms are very in-depth and most of the questions are very open-ended. They ask about work history (I’ve been a job-hopper for almost two years; can’t seem to find work that I enjoy so I’ve been accumulating skills until I do), relationship history (unstable at first, but been with Luke for coming up eight years now), family history and so on. Filling it out wasn’t any fun. It felt like a test and I don’t like tests all that much.
The other worry for me is being forgotten about in the system. I’ve had the situation before where a CPN has had to cancel, and then hasn’t been in touch to re-schedule. I know I’m very reliant on the team; when I started with EIiP they told me that by the third year of their involvement they would expect the frequency of appointments to be less than monthly. We had got it down to once a month, but the wobble of the last few weeks has seen us revert to fortnightly. I don’t like taking up so much of their time when I should be well on the road to recovery. But we’re still on the trial-and-error phase of getting medication right; olanzapine was good for a couple of months, but hasn’t really stabilised my mood to a functioning level. I’ve got to go get bloods done (eek – I have paranoia relating to them having a sample of my blood) and then it has been suggested that we try sodium valproate; we’ve been avoiding it thus far due to the risk to a foetus – despite my protestations that I have no inclination to get pregnant.
Not being ‘recovered’ feels like something of a failing in my mind. The longest I’ve been totally stable in the last three years since my initial episode is about 8 months. Somehow, in that same time frame, I’ve missed only about 5 or 6 weeks of work; despite the overwhelming task that work becomes during these times. I have battled with HTT over my employment status many times – they see it that if I’m still at work then I’m coping, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, the thing that keeps me going into the office is a fear of losing my job if I don’t; and that’s at total risk of my health.
I’m hoping that this current rocky patch smoothes itself out soon. I don’t want to keep going over the same ground, repeating the same patterns.