I Have A Brain!

My brain – although rebellious at times – works pretty damn well. I’m intelligent, I am articulate (generally; I admit to getting somewhat flustered on occasion!), and I am creative. My mind is sharp and all the sharper since the meds have been changed and moods have stabilised.

Two things need to happen for my life to feel ‘normal’. One is the thing I’ve been semi-ranting about over the last few days here; workload! But that’s in hand and I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow to discuss what value-add tasks I can take on. When that’s sorted I hope to be able to get through a work-day without stressing out about being idle. Without endless hours staring at a computer screen waiting for emails to filter in or the clock to tick round.

The other thing I hope will help me greatly is this referral to the Personality Disorders team. Much as I really don’t want another label/diagnosis, I can almost bring myself to acknowledge that this referral can only be a good thing. If I am being honest with myself, there are still things that aren’t-quite-right in the ol’ noggin. Things like my reaction to criticisms (sheer panic), my catastrophizing (frequent) and the need to be loved (constantly). They’re not unusual in their scope, but in their reach. They are extreme. They cause problems.

I need to learn to love my life; I want to know how to be content with what I’ve got. I know, intellectually, that I am lucky. I have a wonderful husband, a nice flat, great family and a good income. Maybe it’s because I didn’t do university; maybe because I’ve not gone off on wild backpacking adventures. Whatever the reason, I still feel this unease in my gut when I am on the treadmill of life. And I want to stop wanting more, more, more. I don’t know how that would come about but it needs to. I need it to.

Most of all, I need stimulation for my brain. I need more mind-food – my appetite appears to be insatiable.

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I Have A Brain!

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