I know people care! I know this, it is a proven fact in my life with the people who choose to spend time with me and talk to me; I know they care. The bit I can’t understand is why, when I come across obstacles, my mind goes straight to a truly unreasonable scenario – I am unloved. I wish I could find the words to express how it is to have these thoughts flying around my head. I hate it. It feels horrible, I feel like crying for sheer frustration because I know they are faulty thoughts – I know it’s not true!
The other problem with feeling this way is the need that comes along with it to be Reckless. I feel like I am stagnating, like I really need to shake things up. It’s a kind of dissatisfaction and I don’t deal with it particularly well. Of course, I deny myself the guilty pleasures I crave in this situation and end up frustrated; so fucking frustrated. I don’t even think I can articulate exactly how I feel right now. It is too overwhelming.
I need to get myself home; but first I must deal with another 30 minutes at my desk-jail before I face the cramped – and most likely late – bus home. I will have to deal with stuffing my raging soul deep down within me. I will have to pretend like I am one person; right now I am unbelievably missing the shirking of responsibility that comes with letting my other soul take the reins.
But, as ever, I will be a ‘good girl’.