Some days, I suppose, are just going to be worse than others. Today started badly; I woke up to a text from my dad to let me know Nanny Ollie has had a fall, broken her hip and had a hip replacement. They all live in the west-country so it’s not like I can pop in and visit her with a bunch of grapes (or whatever people bring to those in hospital. When I was in hospital for my tonsillectomy as a kid someone brought me Cadbury Roses. I enjoyed them a lot more than the hospital fare.) It would be nice to just drop everything and go see her – it’s almost a year since we went down to visit, but it’s just impractical with work; and I hate that work is the priority here.
My mum picked me up to take me to my appointment at the hip clinic. I’m not great with irony, but maybe it’s ironic that my Nan had a hip replacement at the same time I had my long-awaited appointment with the specialist. My hip has been playing up for probably six months now and I saw my GP in June; since then I’ve just been waiting for the appointment to roll-around. This morning I was called in at 9:20 and back out at 9:30 with a slip for an MRI and the confidence-boosting knowledge that the consultant really wasn’t sure what the issue actually is.
It was nice to have a chance to catch up with Mum, and she’s let me know that my Nanny Noo isn’t doing well. In reality she’s not been doing well for a while, but now it really seems that her time to go is imminent. It’s one of those things I’ve thought I’ve been prepared for, but thinking about losing her now is hard. She is in constant pain and confusion; there’s no quality of life left for her and I know it’ll be a sad blessing when she’s gone, and that’s how I’m trying to think of it. But ultimately she’s my Nan and the child in me remembers making sausage rolls with her at Christmas or playing in the paddling pool in the garden with her watching from a deck chair nearby. She’s not been that woman for a long time now, but that’s the benefit of memory. We can hold our loved ones image from the best times of our lives.
The smaller things are piling up today too. My work laptop is broken, and I’ve got a loan one until they fix mine. All my work and documents and emails are inaccessible for a while and it’s just making things difficult on a day I have little patience for difficulties. Daily happenings are getting on my nerves. I’m irritable. I’m grouchy. I’m trying to hide it. It’s not working.
At least today I can attribute the beginnings of a mixed-mood to situational things. There’s not much I can do about these things, except try to accept them as happenings outside of my control and refuse to stress about them. I’m not too sure how well that’s working out but mainly my goal is to zip my mouth, listen to music and get through to 4:15 when I can make a dash for the bus home.
Finally, to counteract the bad things, here are a few good things today:
- Walking Luke to the station and getting a coffee so we’d have a few extra minutes together
- Having breakfast with Mum at the hospital before my appointment
- Getting referred for further investigation into ‘whatever’ is going on with my hip
- Arranging to go to a beer festival next month
- This week is a short week! (Kind of – company field trip on Friday!)