I don’t even know if I’ll put this post up yet. I’m just sitting down to try to sort through the brain-jumble – this is likely to be proper stream of consciousness writing and I can’t promise it will be insightful/witty/thoughtful etc. Ever since I can remember I’ve liked to write to get things out my busy old brain. It’s therapeutic.
Is there a problem here? I guess, potentially there is but at the moment I’m mostly just a dynamo spinning away with my own energy. Concentration is shot, I’m finding it hard to stick to one topic at a time (which is making this typing exercise a little tricky as my mind is already three paragraphs ahead and now I can’t remember what I was going to write here). I am… hypo. Not full-blown oh-gosh-what-am-I-doing manic. Just hypo.
I simultaneously love and hate it. I feel happy, enthusiastic and ready to adventure; at the same time, it’s actually quite unpleasant to feel like this and then try to concentrate on work for 8.5 hours. I got loads done today despite the distractedness – I’m always productive at work when these moods surface.
Part of this is confusion over why this happens. Aren’t the meds supposed to control this? The only thing we’ve adjusted recently is the sertraline because the lower dose was leaving me feeling flat, feeling like an empty shell. I’ve had it back at 100mg for maybe three weeks and up until this weekend just gone it had felt very well-balanced out. I was mooching happily around a five or six; things felt easy.
And now, it’s hard again. Hard to stifle the irritable beast of hypo mood and hard to process the HD cinematic world I find myself once again observing through the lens of my mind. Someone just upped my processing speed. This post has probably only taken a couple of minutes to tap out, partly cause I’m on fast-forward and partly cause I’m really not vetting it for sense or structure.
So, if you’ve stuck with me this far, in summary; what do I do about this? It’s worth mentioning that I am seeing the new pdoc on Thursday morning so it’s not like I will be without support. But – equally – this is a new doctor. Cue freaking out. Cue bottling up. Cue anxiety and all the fun that comes along with it. I don’t like meeting new people and trying to explain things to them. I worry that a professional will decide that this isn’t a real problem; that they will call bullshit and discharge me, and then where would I be? What if it’s not real? That hurts my brain to even think about and there’s no way I am able to find the words to express the thoughts that come with it.
Thanks for reading. Reassuring comments are gratefully welcomed!