I miss being manic. Yes, I know it was dangerous. I know it was a rough time. But it felt so good; so much energy, creativity and endless drive to succeed. I don’t have to be reminded of the drinking, the overdoses that came about because it was all too intense. I just don’t see why I can’t be allowed a little of that feeling back.
The problem is that even hypomania comes with a certain amount of negativity. I get frustrated and overwhelmed, angry and irritable. But the push, the energy, the spark – I miss that so much.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. Today has been stressful and I am wound up tight. Lots of relying on other people to do their jobs before I can get on with my bits is simply annoying. The stress is deadlines passing without resolution; and in part I suspect that it’s completing my first project, with the daunting prospect of the next challenge looming.
I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to go walking in the rain and pretend I don’t have to work tomorrow. I feel distant from my own body, like I’m watching myself from behind my eyes – how exactly do I describe that? As much as I like to think I can be eloquent, words seem to fail me when I try to describe this weird buzzy-but-distant, alert-but-dreaming, intense-yet-hazy… feeling?
What happened to the confident 20-something with grand ambitions to earn lots of money and progress a career? Where along the line did I manage to break my brain so much that a simple bit of stress leaves me feeling totally out of my depth? How much of this can I handle before I break again? And, am I simply panicking because I forgot how to rationalise and simplify things?