I don’t understand myself sometimes. We just got on the train home and I am suddenly and irrationally angry. Internally raging, soul burningly angry. I want to yell at the girls in front who are just pratting about. Poor Luke got an earful for something I can’t even remember now. This feels horrible.
The problem is I very much despise myself when I get like this. My internal monologue is provided by Eve who firmly believes that a good soul should never be angry. We join in harmonious self-hatred and I am left feeling like I just can’t cope; overwhelmed and sad and worthless and pathetic.
Historically, these have been the trigger feelings. We have learned to cope with this shit by hurting physically and once again we feel the need to punch the wall or *something* to get this frustration and sadness out in a way that we can actually understand and then deal with. The hope is that writing will help. I text my care coordinator too, not sure what will happen with that as this is the first time I’ve tried talking to him. Hopefully he can help us.