This week has been a spectacular failure. I am trying really hard to see the positives but it is hard to get past the negative self-talk that is plaguing my waking hours.
The anger is unbelievable and incomprehensible. There’s no good reason for it, just a total irritation at the smallest issues. I know it’s irrational, and that pretty much just makes it worse. I feel like a horrible person for getting so worked up over little things; on Monday I yelled at Luke for not sitting down fast enough on the train and then spent a 3.5 hour journey mentally beating myself.
There’s anxiety too – mostly stemming from a fear that one day I’ll break, totally shatter my resolve to not lash out, and then land myself in trouble. I work so hard to keep everything to myself that I feel I’m bursting; this is so hard to explain but I think the closest I can get is that I am a pot of water, with a lid, on the hob – I’m simmering and simmering and coming up to the boil. I am so scared that one more irritation will get me boiling over.
Of course, I want to turn to the tried-and-tested coping strategies. Which is a euphemism for the bad, bad word; self-harm. And goodness knows I am pushing myself to stay away from that slippery slope, but I come back to the place I started – this deeply ingrained belief that I’d rather hurt myself than anyone else. That I should be able to keep control, no matter what it takes.
I’m also struggling with Eve. More accurately, I’m struggling with keeping her and me separate; things feel easier if we can share the load. True – she encourages the bad coping mechanisms. But it is as though I have my very own childhood friend within me, as though I have a mental hand to hold when I’m being overwhelmed by everything. The things I can’t bring myself to vocalise – the things she knows the instant they cross my mind. But, of course, there are problems with this. Poor Luke worries when she’s active – he has plenty of reason to, given past events. But it hurts that he hates her.
This has not been the most eloquent post.