Monday is return to work day; I am anxious already (understatement!). I can’t seem to put my finger on what in particular is worrying me about it. I know my manager and team are cool about things so there shouldn’t be too much pressure in that aspect of things. Mostly I think I’m just worrying about the fact that nothing has really changed in three weeks of resting. I’ve not learned anything new that may help me cope with work, and that’s a worry. What if everything goes back to square one and I just re-enter that spiral into total meltdown territory?
But I suppose the best I can do is go into it with an open and optimistic mind. It may well be that these three weeks of rest have allowed me to reset my mind and that reset will be enough to help me get through until Christmas. I’m trying to look at things as chunks of time though – maybe I will be able to book some leave to break up the next eight weeks. I don’t know if that’s going to work, but I do need to try to believe it will.
Symptoms-wise it’s not been too bad. The biggest issue has been these horrible intrusive thoughts of hurting people. It isn’t something I think I’ll ever feel compelled to act on, but it does terrify me. Even Luke isn’t exempt from the bad thoughts; that’s pretty scary because obviously I love him and therefore I can’t understand why these things are raising their ugly head to make horrid suggestions of things I should do. Essentially it’s a kind of mental torture that I seem to be unable to stop inflicting on my own mind and conscience. There’s this ever-present worry that one day I will not be thinking so rationally and one little thing will tip me over into a full-blown and uncontrollable rage.
My CPN thinks I need to stop seeing everything as a concern for my health, but I can’t help it. It’s a combination of knowing the red flags thanks to almost four years of developing good insight, and a permanently fretting mind-set. There are pressures I know I don’t cope well with and worry so much about. And yes, I would love to stop worrying and analysing, but what happens when I stop keeping an eye on things and everything hits a rapid spiral? That’s the challenge I think a lot of people face and it really does suck.