When I was little, as I’m sure was the case for many people, my parents sang to me. Most of the ditties have been lost to time and only come back in snippets now and then. But there is one song that is almost constantly my mental soundtrack – The Worms Song.
I suspect a lot of you know it:
Nobody loves me,
everybody hates me.
Going down the garden to eat worms.
It is my companion throughout my waking life lately. Every time I feel ignored, or stupid, or lonely, those lines are there in my mind – everybody hates me – and I can never seem to shake it.
One of my least favourite attributes is this tendency I have to jump to the worst possible conclusions. Rationally, I know that if someone hasn’t spoken to me it doesn’t mean they never will, but it doesn’t stop that wriggling ear-worm playing repeatedly in my head.
I feel abandoned – and I’m afraid of being abandoned. It’s a dangerous and endless spiral of me isolating myself and people picking up on that and leaving me alone. It is unhealthy, but I don’t know how to stop doing it. I try so hard but when my mind is full of self-loathing I find it impossible to reach out and connect with people on a social, casual level. After all – says my brain – if I can’t stand to be with myself, why should I expect other people to want to be with me.
Simultaneously, it’s easier and harder to just be alone. Easier because I don’t have to worry what people think of me, and easier still because I can simply shed accountability. Harder because I’m a sociable person when I’m well and like to talk to people. Harder because I feel unwanted and unloved.
Once again, I now feel I’ve written too many words and have further isolated myself this way because I think people just aren’t interested enough to read this far.