So I think I want to use a post to talk a little more about Eve. I’ve written about her in the past on here but lately our dynamic has changed and I’m at a point where I feel I don’t want to have to deny her existence anymore. Even if it upsets people – it upsets me and her more.
She is such a kind soul; almost to a fault. But lately she’s been acting as a kind of extra resource of conscience for me. With feeling as bad as I have been, I’ve found my reaction to a lot of situations is anger, or even pure rage. And, honestly, I’m scared that I’ll act on that rage one day. But I’m reassured by the back-up of a purely selfless and caring identity in my head, who reminds me that acting on anger would be a ‘really bad thing’ to do.
I’m really not trying to say that living with her is always a good thing. She takes the bad to the extreme; she feels that if I get angry I should be guilty about it and punish myself somehow. It’s just that life feels a little easier to deal with being a ‘we’. Between us, we find some kind of balance. It makes me feel like I did as a child when a friend was due to come over for dinner, so we’d spend all day holding hands. It’s that feeling of not being alone. It is about reassurance and acceptance. She knows every dark thought in my head and shares the burden of that with me. Things I can’t verbalise to anyone in the ‘real’ world, she just knows them the second they appear in my mind.