It’s been a while since I last posted, and I’m pleased to report things are starting to look up. I went to see my GP on Monday and explained what’s been going on with me and my mental/emotional health (yes, probably more emotional lately. That EUPD diagnosis is seeming more apt by the day.) We had a little chat, and he was truly lovely about listening to me; he also said I seemed a lot less ‘hysterical’ than he’d expected – and he signed me off work for three weeks. Cue minor panic and upset; I don’t like to feel I’m letting people down, but as Luke pointed out, I’m not much good to my colleagues if I’m getting into a state every day that I make it into the office.
And actually, things have been a lot better without the pressures of work. I’m afraid that I’m just delaying the inevitable breakdown when I do have to go back and face the office again. People are so lovely there, I just upset myself over very minor things that I can’t seem to rationalise at the time. Things like feeling colleagues are trying to help me! I mean come on Alley… that’s a lovely thing for someone to do if they feel you’re struggling. But, I just seem to take offence to it, like they’re implying that I am incapable. It’s that whole stubbornness thing that seems to be a strong streak throughout our family. It’s a bugger.
One of the nicer things about being off work was that I was able to attend a mental health conference here in town yesterday. There was a whole day of talks on things from mindfulness to workplace health, and workshops like emotion gym and a drum circle, as well as lots of local service providers setting up stalls to showcase their work. I found out about many services I didn’t know existed (there’s a crisis café in Aldershot, and one likely to open here too!), and even spoke to one of the facilitators for the depression support group at Cornerhouse. With my diagnosis being far removed from pure depression, I often feel like I’d be an imposter in these groups, but she thought it would be alright for me to go.
I really do want to get better and not always cycle back around to feeling like this. I am hoping that finding additional support will help me stay stable for longer and longer. CMHRS are also referring me onto the personality disorders service, which – fingers crossed – will give me another outlet and source of support going forwards. Most of all, I’m hoping that these three weeks of rest and recoup do their job and I get back to work totally ready to face everything life throws at me.