I suppose it was too much to hope that my first day back in the office would’ve gone smoothly. After three weeks, all my systems accesses have been locked out and I am sitting here awaiting password reset upon password reset. This is tedious at best; at worst it is causing me unneeded stress as I really did want to break the back of the catch-up today. I am only here till 1:30 and then I have to leave to make my psych doc appointment. Today may well be a write-off but I still need to wait out the hours before I can head back to town.
Part of me feels really distant. Has been feeling distant since Saturday; Halloween threw me for a loop as religious festivals tend to do (though Halloween has never been a problem before this year.) The part of me that is triggered by religiosity came to life and, looking back with the benefit of a few days’ hindsight, it was almost a big problem. In the end, I had the sense to take myself off to the land of nod before things escalated. Nonetheless, it was unpleasant.
I am tired of this battleground that my mind has become now. Warring emotions clash with warring thoughts and I am left in the middle of the melee; drowning and waving in the hopes that someone will see and throw me some kind of life jacket. If only I knew what that help looked like, I would ask for it. So far it just feels like nothing truly helps.