This week has been so muddled up that I’ve reached Friday at a break-neck pace. Returning to work has been rather stressful, but thankfully I spent a day and a half in a meeting room for my induction to the company (a year after I started here, but as I went permanent in July I had to do the training. Sigh…), so I’ve not had much time at my desk in the office around people; the being-around-people bit was my major concern. Yesterday I bailed a little earlier than ‘home time’ but I was not coping well and thought it best to cut my losses and try again today.
I’ve been over on Elefriends for about 6 weeks now; it’s a forum-style support group facilitated by mind.org.uk and it’s pretty fab! Yesterday I was so bothered by feeling so disconnected from myself that I asked the group if anyone else ever got in that kind of fuzzy, dreamy, lost state and one user told me to go look up depersonalisation. Bingo. I’ve been getting incredibly frustrated by my inability to verbalise exactly how it feels, and suddenly I’m reading these articles that describe the experience to a T.
Here’s the Wiki:
Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an anomaly of self-awareness. It can consist of a reality or detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed, and the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience.
Sometimes I hate trying to label and categorise things, but this has been a bothersome state of being for me that happens whenever I get stressed so it was helpful to be reading information that gives me words that fit the experience. I had a psychiatrist appointment on Monday and was trying to describe it to her, before I had the benefit of knowing there was a word for it. I think I came up with something like ‘I feel like I’m not connected to myself, like I’m watching myself doing things, like I don’t quite fit properly in my body.’
I don’t know what I’ll do with the info I now have. I’m in two minds about discussing it with my care coordinator next week when I see him, or if I just muddle along until I finally start therapy. It really does depend on how well I can cope with work in the meantime; therapy may not happen for a while yet, so CC may have short-term ideas to help me deal with things. At least, I hope he will.