That Old Fear

One of the things I really want to change and be better at is dealing with confrontation. I am totally conflict-avoidant and therefore any disagreements put me into such a dark space, and I don’t handle it particularly well. This morning’s argument has been over some work stuff – I was uploading videos but apparently I didn’t do it fast enough or provide enough feedback. I’ve written back to the email saying that I’ve been away three weeks, and the systems we have to use prohibit any semblance of speedy work; but I still now feel like I want to go home, hide in bed and cry my eyes out. It feels horrible. It feels like I’ve really fucked up and failed, even though I know I haven’t.

If I get all psychoanalytical on myself, I can see that this is just a characteristic of being borderline. There’s no rationalisation going on in my mind; as much as I’m trying to reason with myself that it’s just work, it’s not really that big a deal and so on – as much as I am trying to tell myself that it is ok, I am still sitting here thinking I’m going to get into mega trouble and therefore I should just quit. What an overreaction! But knowing and understanding that it’s not a rational reaction doesn’t make it feel any less painful or upsetting.

I saw a lovely lady to enquire about private therapy on Monday. I’m still undecided on the subject of ‘do I start therapy with her or wait for NHS to provide it?’ She was awesome to talk to and I really liked her style of exploring the past to understand the present. But something is telling me to wait for NHS counselling to come through; even though I’ve now been waiting and bouncing around the system for about 12 weeks. I really don’t know what to do.

That Old Fear

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