I hate trying to write and feeling very uninspired on what to write about. I feel this need to write and write, but when I begin trying to find words, nothing comes. This post may well be a lot of words that really culminate in either a) nothing, or b) an epiphany. Could go either way.
A teacher at my secondary school once told me that when you’re struggling to write, you should just write ‘I don’t know what to write’ over and over until something comes to you. I don’t know how effective that method is, and I’m not trying it here. I am sort-of-repeating it in my head as I see which words wind up coming out of my brain onto the screen.
Part of the non-spiration today is that I’ve allowed my mind to stagnate a little this morning, and now I’m finding it hard to corral it into a working state. The Monday-tasks are completed. There’s a to-do list but most of it is relying on other people to reply to emails I’ve sent out; some of them are over-due a reply but only one is ripe for a follow-up – the rest will have to await motivation on the part of the addressee. Thankfully none of it is particularly time-critical so I can be polite and wait patiently. But that doesn’t solve my immediate issue.
Without much happening I am in a funk and I can feel that horrible dreaminess encroaching on the peripheral of my mind. This is what happens, and I hate it – but what can I do? I try to keep myself busy and occupied but in terms of work I don’t seem to know what to do next; I don’t feel that creativity that I know lies buried somewhere in me that’ll help me take my progression here forward. I have a rough-plan of things to do but nothing that feels particularly ‘special’, by which I mean that I can’t seem to identify key areas that I can improve – nor do I have the inspiration to improve them.
So, maybe today will be a long wander through the hours to 4:30. I hope not, I really dislike those kinds of days. I want my time at work to be useful and I want to live up to the potential that I used to think I had. In the meantime I really don’t want to become lost to this drifting, loose state-of-mind – to say the least; it is unpleasant. On Friday I wrote my Care Coordinator an email trying to describe it and marked it as “not urgent” in the subject – not a lie, but I do wish that there was some way someone could help me as I am getting progressively more upset by this feeling that is so vague and yet so upsetting. I see him tomorrow so I just hope he’ll have some bright ideas for combating it.