I haven’t blogged in quite a while – it’s partly down to life happenings but also the result of some general confusion over my dealings with CMHRS and not being totally sure what is happening there. The short version, if you don’t want to read the whole post, is that I’m still waiting on being accepted for psychotherapy. Read on for the full story.
So I saw P, my care coordinator, last week. He had been to see the personality disorders specialists – a panel of experts made up of psychiatrists and psychologists – and they had all sat down to review my case. The hope was that they would consider me stable and resilient enough to finally get into therapy, but they decided that I needed more time before I’d be ready for the referral to be made. I need to work on my behaviours – namely self-harm of any kind I think, but I am sure that there’s other things too. Problem is, I don’t really know what the other things are.
The big scary recommendation from the PD team was that my own psychiatrist weans me off my anti-depressant and anti-psychotic, leaving me with just one medication which is a mood stabiliser. Thankfully P said he would talk to the psychiatrist about it in full, and he also said they would possibly consult my old psychiatrist on the early intervention team who treated me for three years and knows me much better than the new doc who I’ve only seen once! Being really honest, the idea of dropping off two meds is pretty terrifying, as I really don’t want to be back to square one – it’s taken almost four years to get to this point and whilst things aren’t perfect, at least I am not suicidally depressed, or off-the-charts psychotic. Having said that, I really don’t want to be on medication forever, so this could be a good thing; it is just confusing to be told that I need to be more stable on the one hand, but on the other, stopping the meds could well cause a less-stable me.
The final thing that came out of the PD experts’ review of my case is a possible shift from EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder, AKA borderline PD) onto a Cluster C personality disorder. The experts think I fit more into a group of three PDs – avoidant, dependant and obsessive-compulsive. Having done a little reading, it isn’t to say that I fit all three, but more that I’m likely to be in that group rather than EUPD. Labels, labels, labels. Given my propensity to like everything in neat boxes in my mind, I really don’t like the vaguer-y of the maybe-this-maybe-that approach. I want to know what I’ve got to deal with and then I can start to understand it and work on things myself whilst I wait for CMHRS to help me more.
That’s pretty much it in the world of my mind for the last week or so. I would be super interested to find out what you all think about formal diagnoses – does having a label help or hinder your recovery?