It’s funny how quickly things come around again – things were bad, then worse, and now they’re starting to look good again (but I’m not counting chickens just yet!). I still need to get through nan’s funeral on the 23rd, but I think that’ll be OK; I’m totally prepared for the fact I’ll cry and had a nice chat with my therapist about dissociation not necessarily being a bad thing. We talked a lot about the fact that sometimes we need these defensive coping mechanisms, and perhaps if I give myself a kind-of-permission to dissociate if I am getting too stressed then it might be the thing that gets me through the day.
I am sort of dreading going to the church for the service. Religion is a touch sore for me, given Eve and everything that goes with her being in my mind. What I don’t want to happen is for her to be triggered off by being in church; I’ve not long been able to properly control her and her access to my present-mind. It’s only recently that she’s been a minor player in my life, that she’s not at the forefront too often. I really do love her and she’s a part of me, I’d not be rid of her even if I could be. Just… I need her to stay where she is; in the back of my mind.
There’s a whole system in my head that makes her easier to deal with too. It’s a library, basically. A lovely, warm and dimly lit space with wall-to-wall bookshelves. There are comfy sofas, blankets and cushions, with a roaring fire; think country pub meets book store. That’s where she spends her time and I like being able to keep her separate and accessible on my own terms. We spent too long at loggerheads and I know that she’s never been happier than she has been since we gave her that safe space.
So, with Christmas on the near-horizon, I will wish you all a happy and safe festive season!