I suppose I’ve been somewhat neglecting the blog lately. And neglecting friends. And my home life and pretty much everything I know I should be doing. But I’m lost in no-man’s land, waiting on this job coming up and hoping beyond hope they offer me it; from what I hear I’m top of the pile of everyone they’ve interviewed and I gather it’s just a waiting game now. Of course, there’s that small fear that it won’t all come together, and money worries are starting to creep into the peripheral of my anxieties, but I suppose I have to have a measure of faith in the future.
It would be so nice to say things are going smoothly but I didn’t start this blog to lie about the challenges of living with any mental health conditions. So yes, things are tough. Things will improve once I get off my butt and into a job – I always do so much better when I’m occupied with challenges and tasks and targets. I’m trying to sort-of-life-coach myself into setting personal goals each day, but short of ‘go to the gym’ and ‘eat properly’, I’m running out of things to keep my interest. This is why – although considered – stopping work and going on disability was never a real option. As much as things can get tough with life, feeling aimless makes it a lot worse.
Today I spent half the afternoon dissociating the F out. It would be so nice to know why, but despite hours of navel-gazing and self-analysis, and lots and lots of scribbling in a notebook, I’m not any further forward with understanding myself. This is why I’m looking forward to actually getting to see a CMHRS psychologist – eventually, hopefully, soon… A year after the first application and endless setbacks it might actually be happening in the near future. I had a letter to ask me to confirm that I wanted to go ahead with talk therapy. Apparently something like 40% of people offered an assessment don’t show up for it, so they like to register people formally. That’s step one – that was just before Christmas and I’ve not heard any more from them in terms of booking an assessment, but I’m used to waiting now. My whole life is just a waiting game at the moment.
But yes, I feel somewhat fragile lately. Just this past week really. Getting really agitated and sad at the same time, feeling restless but listless and unmotivated. It’s hard to manage at times, but here I am, managing away. I wish that things were a little smoother, a little easier, but if wishes were fishes right? I cried today because a film the in-laws were watching used the hymn ‘Love Divine’ and that was not only one of our wedding songs, but THE wedding song; the one Nanny Noo picked for us. That just hit a nerve, and maybe I’ve not quite processed all the mixed feelings around getting married (which, in my mind, marks the start of the downhill freewheel into mental ill-health), and losing Nanny not all that long ago, and it added up to a tearful moment.
Anyway, I suspect that’s enough stream-of-consciousness for now, and if you’ve stuck with me this far then I truly appreciate your caring nature. I’ll try to post more regularly as the next few weeks unfold. Goodness knows it’s good to have an outlet.