A Month Into The New Year

I suppose I’ve been somewhat neglecting the blog lately. And neglecting friends. And my home life and pretty much everything I know I should be doing. But I’m lost in no-man’s land, waiting on this job coming up and hoping beyond hope they offer me it; from what I hear I’m top of the pile of everyone they’ve interviewed and I gather it’s just a waiting game now. Of course, there’s that small fear that it won’t all come together, and money worries are starting to creep into the peripheral of my anxieties, but I suppose I have to have a measure of faith in the future.

It would be so nice to say things are going smoothly but I didn’t start this blog to lie about the challenges of living with any mental health conditions. So yes, things are tough. Things will improve once I get off my butt and into a job – I always do so much better when I’m occupied with challenges and tasks and targets. I’m trying to sort-of-life-coach myself into setting personal goals each day, but short of ‘go to the gym’ and ‘eat properly’, I’m running out of things to keep my interest. This is why – although considered – stopping work and going on disability was never a real option. As much as things can get tough with life, feeling aimless makes it a lot worse.

Today I spent half the afternoon dissociating the F out. It would be so nice to know why, but despite hours of navel-gazing and self-analysis, and lots and lots of scribbling in a notebook, I’m not any further forward with understanding myself. This is why I’m looking forward to actually getting to see a CMHRS psychologist – eventually, hopefully, soon… A year after the first application and endless setbacks it might actually be happening in the near future. I had a letter to ask me to confirm that I wanted to go ahead with talk therapy. Apparently something like 40% of people offered an assessment don’t show up for it, so they like to register people formally. That’s step one – that was just before Christmas and I’ve not heard any more from them in terms of booking an assessment, but I’m used to waiting now. My whole life is just a waiting game at the moment.

But yes, I feel somewhat fragile lately. Just this past week really. Getting really agitated and sad at the same time, feeling restless but listless and unmotivated. It’s hard to manage at times, but here I am, managing away. I wish that things were a little smoother, a little easier, but if wishes were fishes right? I cried today because a film the in-laws were watching used the hymn ‘Love Divine’ and that was not only one of our wedding songs, but THE wedding song; the one Nanny Noo picked for us. That just hit a nerve, and maybe I’ve not quite processed all the mixed feelings around getting married (which, in my mind, marks the start of the downhill freewheel into mental ill-health), and losing Nanny not all that long ago, and it added up to a tearful moment.

Anyway, I suspect that’s enough stream-of-consciousness for now, and if you’ve stuck with me this far then I truly appreciate your caring nature. I’ll try to post more regularly as the next few weeks unfold. Goodness knows it’s good to have an outlet.

A Month Into The New Year

Stress and Boredom

Yesterday was… awful. Just plain awful. I have no idea what went wrong, beyond the knowledge that I may have allowed myself to stagnate a little. A lot. Guess I’d forgotten how badly I do with just sitting alone with little to occupy me. I had the husband home for two weeks over Christmas, and then the early part of this week was nice and busy; yesterday, however I sat on my lazy bum for endless hours and just drifted into this mixed, anxious, frustrated mood. And it absolutely sucked.

The main problem is that I just don’t feel comfortable with contacting CMHRS about things. I really miss my old team; I would’ve had no problem texting my old care coordinator if I needed to talk things through with her. With the new guy I have been told that I have to call if I need something; this is a problem for me as personal phone-calls are the big phobia (weirdly, in a work capacity I love talking to whoever on the phone). It makes me nervous, partly because I know I’m going to be asked why things aren’t going well, and I feel that boredom shouldn’t equate to stress and therefore not equate to a trigger. As much as I can say that I am absolutely, definitely triggered by boredom, I still feel like others won’t see it as a valid reason.

There’s also that fear that it’ll be dismissed as simply not that bad. I mean, I’m coping right. Not hurting myself so therefore I’m fine. Right? Well that’s how my CC sees it. If I am functioning I must be coping; this does not, however, equate to feeling good. It feels like my personal hell on earth. What I would like is to be able to say ‘I’m struggling here,’ and have them actually listen to me, help me, whatever they do. The Early Intervention team used to do it; more regular check-ins, for example, to just keep tabs on the shit I go through. I don’t know how to get that level of support back – maybe it is simply that they are expecting me to be further forward than I actually am?

But I do see light on the horizon. A job will be the first thing to get in order, because that will mean I’m not just sitting and stewing on Bad Thoughts. When that falls into place I shall have the benefit of being busy and occupied with something; learning a new role is always good fun. And I do have an appointment with my CC next week. I don’t know how well that will go, but at least I can try to express some things. I hope.

Stress and Boredom