Yesterday was… awful. Just plain awful. I have no idea what went wrong, beyond the knowledge that I may have allowed myself to stagnate a little. A lot. Guess I’d forgotten how badly I do with just sitting alone with little to occupy me. I had the husband home for two weeks over Christmas, and then the early part of this week was nice and busy; yesterday, however I sat on my lazy bum for endless hours and just drifted into this mixed, anxious, frustrated mood. And it absolutely sucked.
The main problem is that I just don’t feel comfortable with contacting CMHRS about things. I really miss my old team; I would’ve had no problem texting my old care coordinator if I needed to talk things through with her. With the new guy I have been told that I have to call if I need something; this is a problem for me as personal phone-calls are the big phobia (weirdly, in a work capacity I love talking to whoever on the phone). It makes me nervous, partly because I know I’m going to be asked why things aren’t going well, and I feel that boredom shouldn’t equate to stress and therefore not equate to a trigger. As much as I can say that I am absolutely, definitely triggered by boredom, I still feel like others won’t see it as a valid reason.
There’s also that fear that it’ll be dismissed as simply not that bad. I mean, I’m coping right. Not hurting myself so therefore I’m fine. Right? Well that’s how my CC sees it. If I am functioning I must be coping; this does not, however, equate to feeling good. It feels like my personal hell on earth. What I would like is to be able to say ‘I’m struggling here,’ and have them actually listen to me, help me, whatever they do. The Early Intervention team used to do it; more regular check-ins, for example, to just keep tabs on the shit I go through. I don’t know how to get that level of support back – maybe it is simply that they are expecting me to be further forward than I actually am?
But I do see light on the horizon. A job will be the first thing to get in order, because that will mean I’m not just sitting and stewing on Bad Thoughts. When that falls into place I shall have the benefit of being busy and occupied with something; learning a new role is always good fun. And I do have an appointment with my CC next week. I don’t know how well that will go, but at least I can try to express some things. I hope.