“You’re doing so well, we’re going to discharge you back to primary care,” said P, my care coordinator. This was on Friday, when I finally had a day off and could attend an appointment during working hours; CMHRS (community mental health recovery service) is not geared up to help people who can still hold down a job whilst under their care. I will admit to a flash of panic when he mentioned discharge, but this settled into a kind-of-irritated-yet-relieved feeling when I realised that the discharge would mean never having to broach the uncomfortable subject of wanting to see a different CC.
It’s true, of course, that things are incredibly well improved since 18 months ago when I found myself in crisis care for the second time. That notwithstanding, I am still struggling with certain things but have generally been bottling those things up for fear of acknowledging that they are issues. When you get to a point of appearing well it feels like you can’t renege on that unspoken deal with the people in your life who are pleased with your progress. I’m not saying it’s all hell-on-earth lately; I will be the first to admit that things are probably the best they’ve been since the first breakdown four whole years ago.
There is a fear that comes with being discharged back to primary care that has me worried. I’m rather afraid that these things are simply lying dormant and waiting for their moment to reappear – and with a new job on the horizon I can’t risk things heading south again. There’s a good chance that the new job will be an amazing change for me, and I am very excited to get started on a career path that I know I want to follow. The worries lay in the fact that changes are often a big trigger for me. But as with everything in life I will simply have to take my steps on this new path and see how things go.
The benefit of going back to primary care is apparently the access I will have to talking therapies. We tried to make group therapy work through CMHRS but because I have work during normal hours it has been a dead-end. According to P they will recommend my GP puts in a referral to IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) who can accommodate out-of-hours appointments. This is pretty much the only reason that I didn’t 100% freak-out about being discharged. I’m at a point where the schizoaffective stuff is well managed and rarely causing too much trouble. The problems and challenges I face presently are centred around interpersonal relationships, my relationship to myself and my reactions to external and internal factors – and there’s no medication that can fix that.
I really, truly hope that the discharge to primary care is what will work out for me long-term.