Well wow, it’s been a long time since I wrote anything here. All too predictably, life is beating me down and I’m losing the resilience I thought I’d built over the past year or so. My little episode 6 weeks ago had knocked the puff out of me, but I got through it (thanks hubby), and was on the up. Like, really actually feeling good again. There were things bothering me – the episode I had was largely thanks to trying to come off meds – but I was rocking this thing called life. Work felt good, home felt good and things just felt good.
Is it bad that I’m not surprised that things had to take a dip? It feels like an annual tradition for peaks and troughs. Stuff happened with work – I’ll not get into lots of detail, but suffice to say that my previously good/great relationship with my boss is now in tatters. My self-confidence was pretty much the highest I’ve ever known it to be; now it’s at an all-time-low. Did I get too cocky? Did my confidence come off as bad attitude? And how on earth do I prove that I’m still capable of doing my job well – that I’ve not changed in the last 6 weeks.
Sometimes I feel the need to write these posts to communicate things to people who don’t know me. And sometimes I use it as a cop-out when things are too difficult to express directly to those who do. My mind is a dark place at the moment. I don’t like living with me. Mornings are filled with anxiety – ‘what’s going to go wrong today?’ – and evenings are spent trying to enjoy time with hubs, then a thankful descent into a dreamless sleep. I feel guilty that all the domestics are falling on him. For a while there was flexibility with work; that I was able to leave 10 minutes early some days which makes a huge difference to the time I get home. I miss cooking. I hate feeling like such a burden on the man of the house. It’s not like he doesn’t work hard. He just works closer to home and by default gets dinner ready, along with chores.
I don’t like the way things are going. I don’t know if I’m cut out to stick this out. I’m going to try my best not to cut-and-run as I tend to do when things get tough. But I don’t know if I can get through it.