Today is a week since I wound up in the hospital with serotonin syndrome, and I am still struggling with keeping my head above water. They said that I should expect some low-mood as a consequence; serotonin syndrome is caused by too much of the happy hormone (serotonin) in the brain. Restlessness, agitation, high blood pressure and heart rate, and at one point I was hallucinating a radio in the wall. Poor Luke was sitting and fretting, and psych liaison was useless, as they always are in A&E. She seemed disinterested for the most part, and promised to write a report to my care coordinator. Since last Thursday I feel like my mood has been in a nosedive. Each day is getting bleaker and harder to motivate. I showered this morning for the first time in about four or five days, and I only did it because I was stinky enough that I could smell myself. Nothing, not even walking and hanging out with my little puppy friend, can motivate me.
I’ve been keeping busy with my poetry, and even that has had a pin in it for the last week. I’m preparing my collection for publishing on Amazon; I need another five or so poems to make up a relatively decent length book to justify the list price. Then I need to get a cover designed for it, and that feels overwhelming. Everything feels overwhelming. I want to go out and be social but I keep withdrawing into myself. It doesn’t help that everyone’s so far away, and I am not reaching out the way I should be. I’ve missed calls from Dad and not returned them. I’ve got a message from Mum sitting in my inbox that I’ve skimmed but not read or replied to. My friends I made in therapy group have messaged me, but I’m just not up to conversations. I feel like I’m spending all my energy on surviving – on treading water and not getting anywhere.
The CBT group I was referred to was a wonderful experience. If you get the opportunity to get into CBT, take it! It might sound a little condescending (I thought so – I thought it would be all about things I already knew. It kind of was, but not in a ‘duh’ way), but the skills they teach are really helpful. I’m trying so hard to apply what I’ve learned to my life, but I’m still struggling with heading-off the ‘wild’ moods before they get so bad that I just want to do stupid shit to cope. In terms of applying the CBT model – the interaction between thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviours – to my life, I think I’m doing alright. It’s just the coping skills that need work.
I’m going to try to update the blog more regularly with how I’m getting on, especially with STEPPs group on the horizon; I’m just awaiting my letter to invite me for assessment. So, here’s to the future.