It’s been a rough few weeks. I’ve been very depressed, which is unusual for me – normally my moods are like the wind and a low spell doesn’t last that long. This has been different, a pervasive malaise that just won’t shift for longer than a few hours. I wish I could pin it down to one thing that I could fix, but I just think I’m going to have to ride it out now. This morning feels a little better, but I’m not hopeful that it’ll hold; maybe that’s a self-defeating attitude.
I’m actually wondering about my medications now, and if I’ve somehow developed a tolerance to them. Research online shows this is definitely possible, but because it seems so counter-intuitive I’m being stubbon about it. Thinking logically I can see that tolerance is demonstrated in the way side effects tend to pass within the first few weeks of starting a medication. For example, when I started on my antidepressant – sertraline – I had a feeling akin to travel sickness for about ten days, but that passed – I developed a tolerance to it. So now, is it possible that the tolerance has extended, after three years, to the beneficial effects of the drug?
I’d like to be able to ask my psychiatrist about it, but she’s on leave this week, and I’m not due an appointment with her until June. Plus, I hate to feel like I’m being a ‘bother’. It’s the oddest thing. I know I need to ask the question and see if she can help, but minimising things is so ingrained into my psyche now that I consider even the smallest requests for help as an indication of my ‘drama queen’ status. Even though I’m really the last person to make a fuss, I worry that I’ll be seen as an attention seeker. Maybe that is part of the borderline stigma. Maybe it’s because people with limited knowledge of the disorder tend to see sufferers as melodramatic and manipulative. Whatever the reason, it’s a thought I just can’t get over.
I really want to feel better. I can’t see the light of hope that it’ll ever happen right now.