Friday, Halfway

As I seem to have posted a lot this week I thought it only right to round off the week with yet another mind-dump. It’s been an up-and-down week, a right rollercoaster of high/low/high and I’ve really, really, not enjoyed it. Things have improved as the days have ticked by and I’m hoping that this weekend will be a chance to do a reset and refill my mental engine oil.

This week reminded me a lot of spoon theory. I suspect that the Berlin business trip meant I needed to borrow spoons many days in advance of their availability, and then I tried to do a full working week in deficit. Usually I am mindful of what I can manage, and lately I have been able to do more things without burning myself out – things like late nights on Mondays so I can go to the pub quiz or doing the food shop with hubs and dad.

My resilience has been lower this week than it had been in a long time. Little things – website malfunctions, Colleague X, an innocent but insensitive comment from a fried – have sent my anger meter sky-rocketing. I’ve been hypo-ish and/or mixed every day, but thankfully as each day passes I can see and feel things settling back to normal. I visualise it like the image below (hastily thrown together in MS Paint!), and I’m aiming to get the indicator back to zero by Monday morning so that I can get back on my best game.

Meter

 

The website is going to be undergoing a redesign in the near future which I am hoping will make things a little easier to find. Things like separating the blog, the creative writing and the ‘Spotlight On’ articles so you guys can navigate to what you want to see without having to trawl through articles. Whilst I’m thinking about it, don’t forget that you can have your say with the polls available via the menu button.

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Friday, Halfway

Criticisms

No one likes criticism, but most people deal with it. I’m very proud to report that I am well practiced at not rising to it; I’m less happy with the fall-out after. Today has been a day of bollockings and I’m not at all happy about it. Less happy about a colleague commenting ‘well I can understand why he was shouting at you,’ after I got off a ten minute ear-bashing over the phone.

My job is a balancing act. I have targets and deadlines to meet, and I work hard to meet them. And not only do I meet them, I beat them every month. My problem is that me meeting deadlines and targets is achieved by causing financial implications to other businesses that can’t very well afford the impact. This makes me feel like a bad person.

I’m fed up of selling my soul to the daily grind. I want to do something that matters; I want to impact this world in a positive way. I’m a small, temping fish in a very big corporate pond. Worst of all is the fact this impacts my mental wellbeing in a big way.

Back to that criticism thing. I am so proud of how I handled the phone call; remained calm and level-headed throughout. ‘Yes I understand,’ and ‘Of course I can see your point.’ On the inside, though, my blood was boiling. And it still is; you’d just never guess it to look at me or talk to me. Sure, I thought about walking out. I’ve thought about doing that a lot; pleased to say common sense has always prevailed and I’ve stuck it out.

I am excited for the referral that my CPN is making to a team that can offer CBT and DBT. I can’t wait to learn skills that will help me deal with emotionally charged situations in a healthy way. For now, I’ll bite my tongue.

Criticisms