It is hard, after so many years of being ‘not myself’ to know who I really am. I think I’m coming back to something resembling my ‘old’ self but I feel like I still have a long way to go. There are so many positives in the last six or so months that I try to focus on. I have spent too long tallying up my so-called failings. I seem to have lost any frame of reference to help me judge what is normal and what is of concern. It all comes down to self-awareness. I am getting better at being self-aware.
I want to keep on top of being well; I’ve really enjoyed being stable and not wildly swinging from high to low and back again. I like being more out-going too and getting to know people around town. Getting into conversations with the baristas at Starbucks, or getting a hug from the security guard at Tesco; it’s the little human interactions that I would’ve felt unable to handle not too long ago that are making me realise that I am actually worth a chat and a smile. The people who get paid to do a job but go out of their way to be nice to me make such a huge difference in my daily goings-on. I hope they realise the good they’re doing. I hope their bosses realise it too.
A little while ago my CPN and Luke helped me write out a relapse indicators list. Looking at it now it shows me how far I’ve come since we wrote it in September 2013. It is heavily based around delusions that haven’t been in my mind for a long while; things like suspecting the neighbours of trying to poison us, thinking they’re aliens, going to church to listen to the voice of God are all just memories now.
And I think it’s easy to discount how much progress I’ve made in the last two years. Once we got the psychotic aspects of the disorder under control the mood features came to the fore and became the next challenge. Now I’m finally on a good mood stabiliser the moods are settled and I feel somewhere around the middle ground on what was previously a binary scale of ‘off’ or ‘on’.
Now, I am hoping for my referral to the personality disorders unit to come through; I don’t want to be reliant on meds forever to keep things controlled, plus there are certain things they can’t help with that I want to learn to deal with myself. Hopefully that’ll happen soon. It’s the next step in my road to recovery.